Haven’t You Heard That I’m Gonna Be Okay?

“You can say you’re bored – if you wanna
You can act real tough – if you wanna
You can say you’re torn
But I’ve heard enough

Thank you… you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn’t gonna happen here
At least not today, not today, not today
‘Cause

If it’s over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I’m just a bird that’s already flown away
If you’re over me, I’m already over you
If it’s all been done, what is left to do?
How can you hang up if the line is dead?
If you wanna walk, I’m a step ahead
If you’re moving on, I’m already gone
If the light is off then it isn’t on
At least not today, not today, not today”

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna be okay?

Cheesey song. But it’s worked wonders.
I feel pretty good today.

Sabbatical

Life’s been throwing a lot of lemons at me lately. Half of them being in the love/relationship department.  So I’ve made the hard decision to make a couple gallons of lemonade, perhaps lace it with some vodka, step back and try to piece together what’s left. 
Long story short, I’m taking a much needed sabbatical.

I apologize whole heartedly to the casualties from this period in my life. One specifically comes to mind. I know you hate me. But I am sincerely sorry and I wish I would have never got you caught up in all of this shit.

I finally got a new job. One of my co-workers and the ghetto daycare worked afternoons at this new daycare that I had a resume’ in. She put in a good word for me and two interviews later, I had the job. I was hired as part time but a week in they changed me to full time. Heck yes!  I love it there and get along with my boss. A rarity for me. I hope to be here a long while.

There’s not much more to report…..I’m still trying to get back into the hang of this blogging thing.

Mastermind

They used to play this on my local alternative station all the time and I always got a kick out of it:

Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is:
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What’s going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just:”
“Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?”

Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I’ll sit at a drive thru.
I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.”

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.

 

I can’t find an official video for it, but here’s a fan video, if you’re interested.

The Prodigal Blogger Returns!

Here’s my long awaited WordPress comeback.
*insert fanfare here*
Life has been a roller coaster the past two months. It doesn’t appear that it’s going to calm down anytime soon. So there’s my sorry excuse for not writing.

My many fans were rioting in the streets demanding to know where their saucy narrator had gone.
Okay, one. One fan ask.
But anyways….

As I mentioned above, my life is the mess to say the very least. I’m not about to put it all out here, but I would like to thank my anchor, Tessa. Whom is always there. Always has my back no matter what harebrained scheme I hatch up or what hole I dig myself into. I can honestly say she is the only true friend I’ve ever had and I trust her whole-heartedly. Thank you for being there for everyone one of my 4am freak outs.  ily, Tessa <3

Now that I’ve gotten that lesbian love fest out of the way…….

I am no longer at my call center job. I miss it. I’m back doing my radio gig and working part time at a local daycare. Wow, deja vu….
The daycare gig is actually pretty nice. It’s extremely laid back and pro cell phone (Who-hoo!!!). I work eight to one. Which I really like. Too bad I really can’t afford it :/
I’m still actively looking for a full time job. I’m hoping to get in with a national company so I can just transfer when the move enventually gets here.

Some of you may recall my high speed chase with the highway patrol, well the officer involved was relieved of his duties. And I’m now a legend of sorts in the area. People stop me and say ‘Aren’t you the one who ran from the cops?’.

As for Project:  Phoenix, it’s currently at a stand still. Due to both lack of support and funds. I’m determined. And to quote One Republic, ‘I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here.’  We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted.

It’s with a very heavy heart that I announce the passing of Delilah. She fell very ill very fast. Very similar to what Ralphus had. She too has crossed that rainbow bridge and is wreaking havoc with Ralphus.

Delilah July 2007 - June 2009 RIP

On that note, Ringo has been given a clean bill of health. But I’m still very worried that he might come down with the same thing. 

At the request of Mr.Cat, here are some of my childhood pictures taken in the Painted Desert, Arizona.
These pictures come nowhere near doing the Painted Desert justice:

 

I cried when my mom wouldn't let me take that bush home with me.

My father, brother Davis, and I

Again, my Father, Davis and I

There are more childhood pictures on my MySpace & Facebook if you’re interested.

I also like to (lately) annouce the birth of Crystal’s daughter, my “neice” (second cousin, technically, but she’s going to call me Aunt Laura), Payton Marissa Bennet who made her world debut a May 22nd.

I tried hard to get Crystal to name her Laura!

One day I’ll get around to revamping  ‘If I was ect ect’. It’s on the to-do list. Hey, I just started posting again, don’t rush me

I Fought the Law and I Won

Last night was the epitome of why I hate cops. 

        I was headed home from Daniel’s last night at midnight. He lives about 10 minutes from me. I go through the first four way stop and just a about a quarter of a mile down I notice  a truck behind me. He’s turning his brights on and off and tailgating me. I think he’s just being a jerk and trying to pass, so I just kept cruising along. 
    Then he speeds up and turns his hazard lights on. I’m starting to get nervous thinking this mainiac is going to run me off the road. So I floor it, and anyone who has ever ridden in or driven my car will tell you, is an amazing feat. At this point he decides to kick it up a notch and passes me and then stops in the middle of the road. I’m really getting scared at this point, I have no idea what this guy’s intentions are. But I knew there was no way in hell I was stopping.
      I pulled around him (into the ditch) and kept going. I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do, he’s still behind me. My road was right ahead and I wasn’t sure I could make that turn at my current 85 mph. At the last minute I decided to make the turn and he follows. I call my mom on my cell and tell her I’m being followed and ask her to send my brother and dad to meet me at the house so I’m not alone. I didn’t know if he would follow me up my drive way but I wasn’t going to risk it. 
     I turn down my drive way and he’s right behind me. I park behind my house and my dad backs his van into the drive way so he can’t pull beside me.  I get out of my car and I hear some man yelling. All I can think is ‘Oh my god, he got out of the car, he’s going to shoot my dad’. He come running around the corner of the house and he’s in uniform.
     I got this ice cold chill and my stomach dropped out. I’m thinking ‘I’ve just ran from the cops’. But as fast as that feeling came on, the anger after was faster. I just start screaming at the guy.
     ‘WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN US BOTH KILLED! YOU WERE IN AN UNMARKED CAR WITH NO LIGHTS. I’M ALONE, IT’S MIDNIGHT AND THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS STOPPING!!!!’ 
       He says ‘You ran a stop sign.’ 
       I start screaming again, ‘YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DID! THERE WAS A FUCKING LUNATIC CHASING ME, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?’
      He rambles on about traffic laws and that he ‘Wasn’t going to give me a ticket for running the stop sign, fleeing, or speeding’.  To which I replied ‘GO AHEAD AND GIVE ME A TICKET, I’LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TAKE THIS TO TRAFFIC COURT.’
        My dad tells him to leave, and he does. I’m shaking, crying, and effin furious. I remembered he drove a white Dodge Ram 1500 with FSU tags. I have no idea where he came from, if he was behind me the whole time or if he pulled out of a side road. 
       I live in a small, rural, southern town that’s real big on the ‘Good ‘Ol Boy’ system. It just so happens that my Grandfather, a retired deputy, is a very prominent member of the ‘Good ‘Ol Boys’, and while I generally don’t like government corruption, I’m not above using it in a bind. Which is exactly what I did. My mother called him first thing this morning and a Lieutenant and a Captain from the Florida Highway Patrol (he was Highway Patrol, not a Policeman) were at my house today to get a statement and have me identify  some photos.  They’re going to call me to possibly have me talk to the Chief and let me know the outcome. 
       
   So no one better roll their eyes ever again when I say I hate cops. 

      High speed chases aside, I had a pretty rough weekend and I’d like to think Crystal, Tessa, and Allison for helping me through it. I’d also like to think Brandon for that wonderful pizza dinner   I love all of you guys more than you’ll ever know.  
        I do think everything is finally right with the world. Maybe. I can say that I am honestly happy. Maybe even content. I’ll have to keep you posted on that one. But I feel a lot better than I have in months, so I’m going to roll with that.

Why Tessa & I Will Rule the World

Today’s text conversation on the way to work:

Me: What are you up to?

Tessa: Watching ‘What Not to Wear’ and about to go get my abdominal ultrasound.

Me:  What if you were impregnated by aliens?

Tessa:  I guess I’m going to explode one of these days. Or I need an intergalactic abortion.

Me: You would kill your mutant baby?!

Tessa: Its that or spontaneously combust…either way sounds bad.

Me: Think ‘Men in Black’, when Will Smith delivers the alien squid baby.

Tessa: Yea buut she’s alraeady an alien. Mine would probably be more like the movie ‘Ailen’

Me: With a face only a mother could love?

Tessa: No…like busting out of my gut and then feeding off my dead carcass.

Me: I’ve never seen that movie. Shit.

Tessa: Lamo. Well just picture what I said. Is that what you want for me??? Lol.

Me: I say you take your alien baby daddy on Maury.

Tessa: How do I know who it is?

Me: DNA test, of course. ‘I’m Here For the 30th Time, Can You Find My Intergalactic Baby Daddy?’

Tessa: He flew off on me. Lamo.

Me: I’m sure Maury could get Sylvia Browne to find him. I’m sure the baby will have his dad’s eyes. It’s always in the eyes.

Tessa: The ultrasound tech just told me I have a beautiful spleen.

Me: You’re texting me during your ultrasound?!?!

No reply.

I’m Going Back Home to the West Coast

Well, it’s technically not on the coast. But there’s not a catchy song for Phoenix.
But I’ve decided to move back to Arizona. I’ve realized that getting an apartment in Live Oak/Lake City, is just putting a band aide on a bullet wound. I’m tired of Florida and I’m going insane.  I’m not happy here and something has to change. The (most of) people I’ve already told haven’t taken it very well.  Tessa being a big exception. Who is always super supportive. I couldn’t function without you, love <3.  I still love all of you, and we’ll keep in touch through Twitter/text/MySpace. 

Nothing is in concrete, and everything is subject to change. But I’ve pretty much made up my mind about this. I have fond memories of Arizona. I’ll probably be moving to Phoenix. My dad’s family is mostly in Phoenix and the surrounding area.  So I won’t be in the big bad city all alone. And speaking of, I’m not going to tell my parents for a little while, so those of you who know them, please keep it quiet   

Phoenix has quite a few radio stations and a large Humane Society, which are both jobs I’m going to pursue.

Other than that I’ve not much going on. Work, work, oh and more work. I’ve been in the eat/sleep/work grind so much lately that I’ve been neglecting my blog. I’m going to do better.

I’ve Been Given Super Powers, Ask Me For an Autograph

Feel free to copy n’ paste.

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. Water.
2. Child Birth
3. ‘Unsolved Mysteries’
4. Alien Abduction
5. Home Break In
6. Needles
7. Being Alone Late at Night

SEVEN THINGS YOU LIKE THE MOST
1. My Daniel
2. My woozles
3. My Kitties
4. Texting
5. Hand written cards and notes, especially when they’re mailed to me
6. Those ‘That’s the money you could be saving with Geico’ commercials
7. Driving

SEVEN THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Visit foggy London town
2. Acquire a Mustang
3. Adopt a pug
4. Figure out what I’m going to do with my life
5. Visit New York
6. stick to my budget for once
7. Get a Snuggie!!

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO
1. Play piano.
2. Manipulate (that’s why I’m so good at selling)
3. Drive with my feet.
4. Function on 3 hours of sleep consistently
5. pwn Final Fantasy 8
6. My job, very well.
7. Sleep text

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN’T DO
1. Drive stick shift
2. Swim
3. Whistle with my fingers in my mouth
4. Write music
5. Draw or paint
6. Get on a decent sleep schedule
7. Do a cartwheel

SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT YOU TO THE OPPOSITE SEX
1. Sense of humor
2. Personality
3. Unusual-ness
4. Hair
5. Hips
6. Hands
7. Smell

SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST
1. Say ‘Laua is the boss of me’!
2. ‘I’m not hurting the boy/girl/dog, I’m merely showing dominace’
3. Sweet Jesus!
4. Fuck the bull shit (Thanks Annie)
5. Transfer their ass (Again, Annie)
6. BELIEVE IT!
7. Do what?

SEVEN CELEB CRUSHES
1. Jim Morrison
2. Matthew Gray Gubler
3. Kakshi Hatake (I know he’s animated, and that I need thearpy)
4. Adam Brody as Seth Cohen
5. William Beckett
6. George Harrison
7. Justin Hawkins

I’ve been busy lately, thus the lack of blogging. I’m looking into apartments and trying to get that together. I can’t decide which I want to go with, with a roommate or without. Gah.
Not to mention all the junk I have to buy.
Plus deposits.

Speaking of, I’m going to have to find homes for two of my kitties. If you are anyone you know is interested, e-mail me. I’m super picky about who they go with, so I’m going to ask you a million questions. I’m going to keep Katie, I think she would literally have a nervous break down if I ever gave her away. She’s too attached to me.

I also started selling Avon recently (to add to the insanity), to raise a little apartment/Mustang money. You can visit my e store here. Buy something, make me lots of money!

That’s going to do it for now, I’ll be around.

Because You Are All Dying to Know…

I’ve been tagged by everyone’s favorite Feline. Here it is, the one word survey, enjoy:

1. Where is your cell phone?
Lap

2. Your significant other?
Talented

3. Your hair?
Wavy

4. Your mother?
Nuts

5. Your father?
Understanding

6. Your favorite thing?
Daniel

7. Your dream last night?
None

8. Your favorite drink?
Water

9. Your dream/goal?
London

10. What Room are you in?
Breakroom

11. Your hobby?
Vader

12. Your fear?
Drowning

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
London

14. Where were you last night?
Work

15. Something you are not?
Bland

16. Breakfast?
Cereal

17. Wish list item?
PS3

18. Where you grew up?
Everywhere

19. Last thing you ate?
Breakfast

20. What are you wearing?
Clothes

21. Your TV?
Tiny

22. Your pets?
5

23. Friends?
Supportive

24. Your life?
Good

25. Your mood?
Blah

26. Missing someone?
Always

27. Your car?
Korean

28. Something you’re not wearing?
Socks

29. Your favorite store?
Amazon.com

30. Your favorite color?
Purple

31. When is the last time you laughed?
Now

32. Last time you cried?
Semi-recently

33. Who will resend this?
?

34. One place that I go to over and over?
Daniel

35. One person who emails me regularly:
Crystal

36. Favorite place to eat:
Pizza!

37. One place I would like to go right now?
Bed

38. One person I think will respond:
??

39. One TV show I watch all the time:
Naruto

You’ve all been tagged.
I also have a new cell number, e-mail or MySpace me if we haven’t swapped numbers yet.

Rest in Peace, Little One

Ralphus crossed that rainbow bridge about 4:30 this morning. 
He will be greatly missed but I’m glad he’s no longer in pain.
May he enjoy that great ramen factory in the sky.